The Advantages to Being Diabetic

Let’s face it, being a type 1 diabetic sucks. We all know there are a million things we would give to get rid of our shitty disease. So the way I see it, as should all of you, let’s take full advantage of it in the most unethical way possible. We have a right to balance the playing field.

1.Getting out of class/work. This is the most obvious one. We’ve all done it, and if you haven’t you’re a filthy liar. I honestly can’t tell you how many times I skipped school growing up and just went in the next day blaming my blood sugar. It’s the best excuse and no one can say anything about it. Even as adults, we can go into work late or miss meetings that we don’t care for. Your boss can’t fire you for being a diabetic. Am I right or what?

2.Eating food. Is someone at your table eating something that looks really delicious? I bet they are, take a bite because your blood sugar is “low”. You think they’re going to say no? No shot. You can also reverse this trick. Is someone asking to try your food and you just don’t want to share because you’re feeling a little greedy and selfish? Screw them, just say that you “took the exact amount of insulin for the amount of food you have and if they have some you’ll go low”. Works every time.

3.Ice breakers. Do you want to talk to the hottie at the party? Or just anyone that you think will be valuable to befriend? Start a conversation and casually mention that you need to take an insulin shot or check your blood sugar. Right away, you’ve already peaked their interest. They immediately want to know more about you because you’re different. People like different. Then you enter into a conversation about how diabetes is one of the greatest challenges you’ve had to overcome in your life. Better yet, take it to the next level. (This works great at parties or with drunk people). Let them give you the insulin shot or prick your finger. People either love it or hate it, but you know what? They remember it.

4.Working out. It’s very important to stay in shape and work out on a regular routine. But do you ever have those day where you just don’t feel like it? And then you have a gym buddy that nags you not to skip leg day because it’s important to maintain a balanced physique. This is what you do. Act as if you are totally going to the gym with your buddy til right beforehand. Then, uh oh, your blood sugar went “low”. Guess you can’t work out right now, can you? And your gym buddy can’t say anything or talk trash to you because that would make them an asshole.

5.Driving. Going out with a group of friends? No one wants to drive and they’re all asking you? Well they can suck it up because your blood sugar just went “low” and you can’t operate a motor vehicle legally. Looks like your riding shotgun!

6.Resolving anger issues. Have you ever been in a situation where you got in an unreasonable fight with a family member or significant other? And do you know you were totally wrong and overreacted, but still stuck to your guns? Well here’s your way out! After things have calmed down, apologize. Tell them your blood sugar was significantly high and it caused you to become aggressively frustrated and irritated. They can’t stay mad at you for being a diabetic, can they?

7. Yes I have saved the very best for last! Jury duty. I am not even kidding you, this absolutely works. I was summoned for jury duty and was really not looking forward to being stuck on a case for however long it could have went on for. So I schemed up a plan. Before hand, I asked my Endocrinologist for a note to excuse me from jury duty. The reason for me being excused was because “I just switched insulin prescriptions and my body needed time to adjust to it. Because of that my blood sugars have been erratic and I would not be able to be of sound mind to make proper judgments.” When I was called to the judge and I had explained the note and the “situation”, they asked how I managed to wait around in the court all day. Then I responded, “Well actually, I think my blood sugar is extremely off right now and I could really use some insulin.” I was immediately dismissed from having to perform my civic duty.

Being a diabetic sure does suck. In my opinion, we deserve and are entitled to certain benefits. I personally do not feel bad using these benefits. We should use the benefits as we please. Some may disagree with me and think I’m in the wrong. Go ahead and judge me but there’s definitely no sweat off my back.

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